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The flawed me!

There are a lot of things in life that are complicated and can never truly be understood. One of those things is a person’s self. Point in focus, me!

I’ve had an adventurous life. I still remember the times I was a troubled teenager and hated everything from one corner of the earth to the other. I had no friends, no one I could turn to and be happy with. Those were the times.

Fast forward many years. I don’t hate the world anymore. I’m close with family; love my parents and my siblings.  I look at the world objectively. I can see, sense and understand. With passing time, I’ve found answers to all my questions and discovered that every answer leads to a dozen other questions. The possibilities, the ideas and the creativity of everything is limitless, countless. Things move one way or the other but never remain still. Everything is truly meaningful and needed.

But with the growing awareness of the world comes growing exposure of one’s own self in a perspective. Seven years ago, I was friendless, ever alone and unhappy. Today, I’ve got friends, am rarely alone but a part of me is still not happy.  With passing time, there’s the growing realization in myself that I probably haven’t changed much, or perhaps not enough.

I’m introverted by nature and have trouble conversing with new people or making new friends. For me, the social circle is quite limited and comprises some of the best people I’ve ever known and could have wished for as friends. There have been happy times hanging out with friends and feeling like everything was on cloud nine. But nothing is perfect.

In my own way, I’ve spent affections and feelings on the best of friends I had- Friends who stood by me in everything and gave me support and wonderful times together. Perhaps it was not enough, perhaps the flaws in me were too big. It seems I still lack the essence of being important enough.

I’ve had wonderful friends, great confidants and in my heart, all of them are people I hold dear and will do my best to make happy and help out. But what pains me is the constant nag in my heart that I am not and perhaps will never be that one person they call their best friend, their confidant, someone they love and trust truly from their heart, someone whose shortcomings will never matter, someone who will always be there for them. I am not and perhaps never will be the person they will remember in their happy and sad moments, the person they will want by their side.

I am not and will never be someone that mattered enough!

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